“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
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AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
[after giving cpr]
him: ʸᵒᵘ ˢᵃᵛᵉᵈ ᵐʸ ˡᶦᶠᵉ
me: lol
him: ʷʰᵃᵗ ᵗʰᵉ ʰᵉˡˡ
me: I inhaled helium first
At my age, a trail of clothes leading to the bedroom, means I dropped them on the way from the dryer.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
him: damn girl you’re hot
me (menopausal): I know. it sucks
Gin & Tonic: 91 calories.
Banana: 105 calories.
Choosing the healthy option: Priceless.
Remind the demons under your bed that you’re the landlord, raise the rent.
welcome to the motel california
it’s the cheaper choice (such a cheaper choice)
hear your neighbor’s voice
pLENTY OF BUGS AT THE MOTEL CALIFORNIA
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Taught a lesson on fossils and dinosaurs today.
6yo: (raises hand)
Me: Yes? (Thinking: please don’t ask if I was alive when dinosaurs roamed the earth)
6yo: Did you ever get chased by a dinosaur when you were a kid?
A boy asked his bitcoin-investing dad for 1 bitcoin for his birthday.
Dad: What? $15,554??? $14,354 is a lot of money! What do you need $16,782 for anyway?
My 9yo son as I dropped him off at school, “time to make some money!” Apparently he’s selling his Halloween candy to the kids who aren’t allowed to have candy at home.
Its raining, its pouring,
Working here is boring.
It hurts my head, wish I was dead,
I’m just gonna lay on the flooring.
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then
I just read someone’s TL who starred me, forgot who I was reading, starred & RT’d a gazillion RT’s on their TL, ended up in Mexico married.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
I have 11 pictures of myself from high school. My daughter has 11 pictures of herself from this morning.
I’m such a bad ass chef that I hear music every time I cook… Hubby calls it the “smoke alarm” but whatever…I think he’s just jealous.
My son got his license and I’m terrified, but totally ok if he wants to drive to McDonald’s and get me a McFlurry.
Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
In 2004 I took one bite of a Nature Valley granola bar in my car, and I’m still finding crumbs today.
Bread puns are on the rise!
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
I’m not saying this dive bar is extra sketchy, I just figured I’d warn you that I was just in a knife fight with a cockroach in the bathroom
Everyone has something they believe in.
I believe in drinking before noon.
Going out with a girl who works in cyber security next week so I’m gonna print out all my passwords and ask what she thinks