me: i want your honest opinion
friend: [gives honest opinion]
me: [nods… but also mentally drops them 5 spots in my friendship rankings]
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if your Snapchat story is just one straight minute of you driving and singing along to a song I’m showing your insurance company bc honestly I’m tired of it
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
Saying “I’m having a heavy period day”
– boring
– depressingSaying “bro my flow is crazy”
– dope
– could be a rapper
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
Fireman: [bursts in] EVERYONE OUT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Me: No its a hose lol
[later]
Cop: looks like he filled him with water til he exploded
You eventually reach the age when bar hopping turns into let’s stay here because it’s not that noisy and the bathroom is clean.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Of course morning sex is better.
You haven’t spent the day annoying the crap out of each other yet.
Oh that’s my brother, he has his own apartment upstairs
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
ME AT 15: “I want video games to have the best graphics and biggest explosions and deepest stories and coolest characters to show that this is truly the art form of the future pew pew pew”
ME AT 35: “I want video games to have an option to make text bigger.”
I asked the cashier if she could validate my parking. “You park real good,” she said.
Dang girl, are you an unreliable scientific claim? Because imma need you to BACK THAT UP
Reached a point in my life that I have no ‘bones to pick’ nor ‘axes to grind’. Most would call it forgiveness, I call it memory loss and it’s peaceful.
Witch: I don’t get it. I build an enticing candy house… Why won’t these kids eat it?
[Gestures toward her candy house which is crawling with ants]
Black cat: You got me boss
one time when I was a kid I was in canada on canada day but didn’t realize it was canada day and I saw a mountie on stilts so I spent the next couple of years thinking canada had stilt cops
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
I have to leave in 5 minutes! Better get ready!
*Sits for aonther 10 minutes*
It’s hard to look like a badass when you’re slurping on a strawberry smoothie.
Wife said I should talk to the kids about drugs so I told them how faking a back injury would usually get you some Vicodin.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
Having a tea party is fun until your daughter tells you that she got the water from the toilet
I’m starting to think the Hangover Fairy and the Angel of Death are the same person.