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Me: I’m terrified and jealous of your violent happiness.
Friend That Knows How To Tap Dance: I understand.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
“For I am Christ the Redeemer, He Who Saves!”- Jesus, using his coupons.
I surprised a raccoon in my garage this morning, and now he’s telling his friends he made a human run into a wall.
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
well, 75% of you passed math and will not have to come to summer school
[from the back]
“what about the other 65% of us?”
My dog just ate one of my earbuds gonna blast metal until I get it back
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I am a landlord and my 1 tenant is the spider who lives in my car side view mirror. The rent is free but sometimes there is a great storm in which survival is not guaranteed. For that I’m sorry. I have to wash my car bro
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
*gets to hell*
[In earshot of Satan] I HATE ICE CREAM AND WATCHING TV, DAMN THAT WOULD BE REAL TORTURE FOR ME. OH AND BEER, I ALSO HATE BEER
“Hola! I’m Señor Coconut, children”
[cracks head on the pavement. Children scream]
“Drink me. Drink me. I’m full of vitamins and minerals”
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
I took off my shirt when I got home and my wife put her eclipse glasses back on.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.
Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
Him: I’m leaving you
Me: *eating a cantaloupe like an apple* why though
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
CLERK: That’ll be 95 cents.
ME: Here’s a dollar.
CLERK: Nickel back?
ME: God, no.
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
Me: What happened to all the bourbon?
Her: Oh, I put it in the chicken.
Me: Then pour me a glass of chicken.
My boyfriend’s really happy we can meet up again now lockdown’s over
My husband not so much so
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
[Job interview]
Employer: please explain the gap on your resume
Me: what…they were hiring
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
My pet snake took my kid’s disappearance so hard, he’s gained 110 lbs since last week.
interviewer: describe yourself
me: you know the urge to awkwardly hobble-run across the road when someone lets you cross? i am basically that energy manifested into an entire person
interviewer: ok
I miss making out in public and making people feel uncomfortable