Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
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If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I often find myself singing in the shower, which can be extremely frightening. Is he a clone!? What is this place! SOMEBODY HELP ME.
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
ME: So listen, if we pay a little extra, can we have the baby in color, instead of black-and-white?
ULTRASOUND TECHNICIAN: Sir, I’m gonna explain this one more time…
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
[bed]
M: “I’m freezing.”
H: *rolls over, adjusts pillows and blankets, wraps around me*
[1 min later]
M: “I’m hot, get off me.”
Goodnight moon.
Goodnight room.
Goodnight sanctimonious people arguing on the internet
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
I always bring luggage when visiting my mom because I know she’ll send me on a guilt trip
Me: I’ve had this for 3 weeks & I’m still single!
HomeDepot Clerk: ma’am, a stud finder is for the beams in your wall
Me: that was unclear
I think I’m finally becoming more mature. Now when I watch Spongebob I usually agree with Squidward.
My brain at 6am: I’m tired.
My brain at 9am: I’m tired.
My brain at 1pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 5pm: I’m tired.
My brain at 2am: Are shawls oversized scarves or undersized blankets?
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Husband [through locked door]: “I know you’re up, I saw your instagram post.”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except for bears. Bears will kill you.
My special superpower is seeing patterns. Grandma thinks it’s a bullshit superpower, her knitting room is full of them
13- My hormones are coming in!
Me- What?
13- My chin is growing hairs like you
My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
Was feeling really good about myself after an attractive man smiled at me on the elevator at work and told me I smelled great. Until I got to my desk and realized. Gentle reader, I had a sausage McMuff in my laptop bag.