If you don’t swear when you’re driving, you aren’t paying enough attention to the road.
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Woke up in a graveyard. Never felt more alive.
Based on her reaction I don’t think my toddler will ever forgive me for gently wiping her face.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Wednesday
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Pinky toes do two things: nothing and break.
St. Patrick’s Day is the day we all watch Ghost and Dirty Dancing in honor of Patrick Swayze.
DOCTOR: Are you sexually active?
ME: No.
DOCTOR: Are you at least active?
ME: Also no.
Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
*writing résumé*
Strengths? I’m great at multitasking
*explosion in kitchen*
My popcorn!
*car crashes through fence*
I forgot I was driving!
I buy my shoes three sizes too big so if I run into a clown posse I’ll have automatic street cred.
If someone shrunk their kids today they’d be cancelled, straight up
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My snake charmer friend is getting married to a funeral driver. I think I’m just going to play it safe and buy them a set of hiss and hearse towels.
Rival dad across the street has been getting on my nerves lately so today I’m leaving my garage doors open so his wife can see what a clean organized one looks like.
Liquor store clerk: I’m gonna need to see some age verification.
Me: *makes dial-up internet sound*
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
A friend is in jail and I can’t help feeling partially responsible because I framed him for murder.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
MAGICIAN: Think of a horse
ME: Ok
MAGICIAN: You thinking of one?
ME: Yep
MAGICIAN: Cool right?
ME: Very cool
I have decided to forgive my own student loans. Peace be with you.
9 times out of 10 my problems can be fixed with something potato based.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time