*Husband playing computer game*
Me: I’m going to go pee.
Husband: *doesn’t look up* OK.
Me: I’m going to pee ALL OVER THE PLACE.
Husband: OK. Enjoy.
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therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0
“Mom, what does married mean?”
Taking naps together
“Daddy naps with his secretary are they married?”
No, that means he’s getting divorced
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Autoerotic asphyxiation? No thanks, I’m not much of a car guy.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
HER: did u know dinosaurs can’t jump
ME: duh, they’re all dead, karen
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
*robbers burst into bank*
EVERYONE PUT YOUR HANDS UPDOG
*bank manager frowns*
What’s updog?
WE’RE ROBBING THIS BANK WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
In space, no one can hear…
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
“So that pervert buys you “Grass” and then you let him play with your nipples?”
-Me telling Cows its not to late to change their life.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
BOB: My name spelled backwards is the same.
DAVE: Hahaha I’d be Evad.
LANA: Guys, can we play different game?
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Any job can be a dream job if you have nightmares about work
My house isn’t messy.
It’s ‘Picasso-ish’.
Why is it so hard to find a woman who loves me for me and not the person I lied and manipulated her into thinking I am?
Normalize carrying a sheriff’s star around so you can deputize yourself to:
cut a line
veto your HOA
confiscate the Costco samples
arrest your in-laws
My favorite word in the English language is “Amen” because when I hear it I know you’re finally done asking Me for stupid shit.
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
“No, I didn’t forget your gift”
*digs in purse
“Got you this hairspr..I need that. Got you this keyring”
*removes keys