“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
You Might Also Like
I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
[baby takes its first steps]
me in a cop outfit: not even close to a straight line buddy, you’re going away for a long long time.
Googles: what to do with 100 dyed hard boiled eggs
Google: do you have any enemies?
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
[Watching the news]
This is all wrong, villains are supposed to be fictional characters.
Husband: my back hurts
Me, cracking my neck and knuckles while speaking in a fake Russian accent: I massage you???
mom: how was the ballgame
me: they showed sex on tv
mom: what?
dad: he means the kiss cam
me: haha no *crossing out line in notebook* that’s for sure different than sex and I knew that
Day 3 in the desert: I have somehow gained the respect of some birds as they are circling above me in some sort of protective formation
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
Nobody:
5-year-old: What happens if you rub butter on a penguin?
(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good
Vin Diesel memes still relevant? Ok.
*from upstairs* HONEY…WHERE ARE MY BUSINESS PYJAMAS??
I wear a cape because I’m Super Broke
*drops ice cube*
*leaves it*
*steps on small puddle later while wearing socks*
I deserve this.
“Beat up anybody you see drinking 7UP”
-first rule of Sprite Club
*doorbell rings*
me: go away I’m social distancing
voice: pizza delivery
me: *opens door*
COVID19: hehe, got’em
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
My son asked me what it’s like to be a parent so I woke him up at 3 a.m. to let him know that I couldn’t sleep.
A Freudian sitcom would be How I Meant Your Mother
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
I love that old saying that goes “If your drink doesn’t kill you make it stronger”… or something like that.
the male barbie should’ve been named barbo