My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
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Did you ever think about ten years ago you’d be saying.. “I really hope this is a chick I’m talking to”.
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
[home depot guy going through my list] these are all the things from the game Mouse Trap
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
*shuts down road going both ways*
Right over here, officer. Here is where the accident happened.
*pulls tiny sheet over squirrel*
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
When you’re on a date that’s not going well, just start talking about genital psoriasis.
You’re welcome.
so my neighbor and i both had mouse sightings this week. here’s how our landlord responded:
children are a fun way to combine the impetuous insanity of a dog with the murderous disdain of a cat
Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
her: what are you watching?
me: film about misconceptions of ownership and land rights of wetlands under an absolute monarchy
her:
me:
her: are you describing sh—
me: yeah it’s shrek again
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
Iron Man: *eats chips*
Ant Man: *eats microchips*
Yesterday I watched a clip about a 71-year-old female body builder.
Today I used my pants as a napkin because the couch was too far from the kitchen.
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Egyptologist 1: *carefully brushing away dust from the cartouche on sandstone*
Egyptologist 2: What’s it say?
Egyptologist 1: *Studying hieroglyphics* It says, “Your third most used gif is how you really feel about Ramesses III”.
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
If you were forced at gunpoint to either watch ’50 Shades Of Grey’ or read the book, what type of gun would you prefer to be shot dead with?
After reading his last talk to text message, I’m convinced I’m married to a pirate.
cutting bell peppers and adding googly eyes is bound to heal your soul a little, give it a try
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
doctor: your blood pressure is a bit high
me: maybe it’s because someone is strangling my bicep
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Policeman: Name please
Iggy Pop: Iggy Pop
Policeman: Your FULL name
Iggy Pop: (Quietly) Ignatius Poppadom
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️