This probably isn’t good
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Saw lady reading my book & was gonna say hi but I’m wearing the same shirt as in author photo & didn’t want her to think I only had 1 shirt.
I told a guy on MySpace 16 years ago I would brb. I. Never. Brb’d.
*boyfriend calls girlfriend*
Bf: “Hey Babe, I love you!”
Gf: “we’re breaking up”
Bf: “no we’re not, I can hear you just fine.”
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who bites his finger whenever he eats fries
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
A guy just offered to buy me a drink. I declined, but heard him say lesbo to his pal. I replied “Only for you, baby”. Now he feels special.
Amazon should have “I was drunk” as an order cancellation option
Apps are like “wanna skip this ad? Click this tiny x, sausage fingers lol”
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
so i guess the opposite of dateline would be friendzonesquiggle.
#merica
The Santa Clause (1994) A man gains a ton of weight after murdering a stranger on his roof
She hasn’t tweeted in a while, so I guess I can stop sucking in my stomach.
2020: the pandemic is coming you gotta stay inside
ME: oh no
2021: the pandemic is ending you gotta go outside
ME: OH NO
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
[kissing girl at library] you wanna go somewhere a bit louder?
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
Watched golf for two hours
before realizing that
the TV was off.
My kids are arguing over who gets to bring the garbage cans in, proving, once again, that kids will fight about anything.
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
I love being single and independent but my wife says I’m not allowed
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
the coronavirus pandemic taught me that life is short and politicians are willing to make it shorter
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
Humans are made up of 70% water so next time you’re thirsty just eat Jeff from accounting.
A little birdie told me it’s your birthday and a giraffe told me to rob a bank and I think I took the wrong medication this morning.