In my dream I see us all standing together, throwing away differences and rallying for the abolition of mayo escape-holes in loaf bread.
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I’am drinking with my new GF and her gay friend from work. So there’s 100% chance I’am getting laid and a 50% chance I’ll like it.
“But, I’m a talking tree!” said the oak.
“And, you will dialogue,” replied the lumberjack.
Me: Whats the best thing on the menu?
Waiter: The cheesebur-
Me: WRONG!
*points to the picture I drew on it of Ironman fighting Darth Vader*
I hate when I find a show on TV that I like and I start to get into it and then I realize that it’s my neighbor’s window and he looks angry.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Mark Strong is Stanley Tucci’s dark twin and we don’t even talk about it.
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
My girlfriends good traits :
She’s gorgeous, insatiable, loves me and has a Dragon.
Bad traits : She’s imaginary, but I tolerate this because of the Dragon.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Me, after seeing photos of myself: Maybe I DO need to exercise and eat healthy.
Also me: *double-fisting two glasses of chocolate milk at midnight*
Ever since I started going to the gym everyday I can really see a difference in how accomplished I am as a liar.
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
Do not drink and drive..
because there are people out there who text and drive…
and they will hit you and it will be your fault !!
Meanwhile, during my children’s baptism into the Catholic church …
Priest: Do you renounce Satan and all his works?
My 5yo son: *scrunching up his face* Sometimes.
Me: If Captain America and The Hulk got married they could name their kid Star-Spangled Banner
Therapist: we should start meeting twice a day
Aquarius: Someone will hack into your dating profile, but won’t touch a thing because they think you’ve already been hacked. You haven’t.
“My leg’s been hurting for 20 years.”
* my 6yr old who exaggerates and is also bad at math
Is it me or do the unread books in the bookstore just seem shinier than the unread books at home?
It’s funny when a cartoon character drops a piano on someone’s head but when I do it it’s a “crime”??
Her: I’m just a vintage soul
Me: and a vintage face..That’s how the fight started
Awesome hanging with yall just real quick can you guys not tag me in the pictures cause a few years ago I accidentally faked my own death
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
One time I bought these shoes from a drug dealer, and I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day