I never believed in reincarnation before but… Dad?
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if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
[speed dating]
HER: So what do you-
ME: How fast can you order a pizza?
HER: I don’t-
ME: *hits buzzer* NEXT
Dr. Reverse Psychology: Fine, have it your way, hero.
Captain Resplendent: Aghhh! Reverse psychology. My only weakness.
DRP: Muahahaha!
CR: *weakening* It’s my… only… Kreeptonite.
DRP: Oh no! Mispronounciations are my Kryptonite.
CR: Kreeptonite.
DRP: *weakens further*.
Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”
Dad just found my Twitter. Fame is a double edged sword. On an unrelated note, church today was so much fun and I got so much studying done.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My parent trap worked perfectly. I now have five parents.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
If tomato paste is made from tomatoes, the toothpaste industry has a lot of explaining to do
*walks into alma mater carrying English degree*
I’d like a refund, please. This did not work as promised.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
“Think outside the toy box” -my kids bs excuse for why they didn’t clean up
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Me: How was school?
Toddler: Candice has a different mom.
Me [pours two glasses of wine]: Go on.
I surveyed 100 women and asked them what shampoo they used when showering, 98 of them said, “How the hell did you get in here?”
“Son, you can practice the sex on holes in trees”
“DAD?!”
[next day]
“Where you going with that broom handle?”
“Checkin for squirrels”
When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
If I reply touché that means I have no clue what you meant
I’m just like the ghostbusters, except I chase squirrels around my neighborhood with a vacuum cleaner