‘Chicks dig scars’ I quietly sob after nicking my thumb on a cat food lid
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If you call & I don’t answer, I’m not dead, I’m napping.
– Things I have to say to my mom
Grandma used the same wrapping paper for 25 years, so don’t tell me about the great ‘bargain’ you found.
My almost 3yo drew me a picture and when he gave it to me, I must not have reacted fast enough because he said, “say ‘awwww’ mama.”
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Early morning sibling drama: 4 is upset with 6 because he told 4 everyone in the family featured in his fun dream except her because his dream “was limited to those aged 6+.”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Congratulations on being hired by Super Cuts & welcome to day 1 training.
Let’s get started
These are called scissors
*collective aww*
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
Went to the car wash and asked for one of those Brazilian wax jobs everyone’s been talking about.
My cat: thank you so much for the new luxurious window seat
Me: it’s literally a suitcase on a chair
My cat: it’s perfect I love it
My cat: the folded sweatpants on top are a nice touch too
Saw a grown man riding down the street on a BMX.
I yelled what does BMX stand for?
He replied “DUI”.
doctor: how are u
me: good
doctor: my wife left thanks for asking
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
If a Stork is responsible for bringing babies, what bird prevents them?
A Swallow.
This meal prepping shit easy
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
As the argument over the best way to dispose of a body escalated, I realized the date was going well.
When you meet a flat-earther in real life don’t bother arguing. You need to immediately outcrazy that shit. “Don’t tell me you believe in ‘Earth,’” you’ll demand.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
[shopping]
May I help you find something?
“Where are the giants?“
What?
“Your sign outside says there’s a giant sale.“
You are twice as likely to be killed by a vending machine then a shark.
So if you see any vending machines swimming near you, GET OUT OF THE WATER IMMEDIATELY.
“I need a beer, you want one?”
– me, helping my son with his Legos
I didn’t realize 80% of song lyrics were inappropriate until I had to listen to them in the car with my kids.
Just been to see Benny from maintenance in hospital. He was putting up one of those boards that tell you have many days since the last accident and it fell on him.
Some people wake up in the morning & are all like “omg I’m the luckiest person in the world” and I wake up all like “oh my god”
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
If you’re a vegan and an atheist and a runner, how do you choose which way to annoy people in a conversation first?