Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
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Call me old-fashioned, but I think if a kid’s old enough to feel comfortable saying, “Christ, Dad, can’t this thing go any faster?” they should get out of the stroller and walk.
A quick way to get your kids to leave you alone is to say, “I need to make your dentist appointment.”
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
An alarm clock that texts your boss for you the fifth time you press snooze
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
Day 1: Brad wears no pants
Day 2: Brad wears no pants
Day 3: Brad wears no pants
…
…This is just a bottomless Pitt
*loses my composure*
Weigh me now
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Someone called me a “complete piece of crap” today and I smiled and thanked them. If I am going to be a piece of crap, I would rather be a complete piece than an incomplete piece. I mean, I’m a go-getter. An all or nothing type of gal.
Is it wrong to eat a Blueberry Muffin that looks just like your dog?!
“I thought it might be nice to go round the room and say a bit about ourselves”
Oh dear you thought wrong.
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
Why was Darth Vader referred to as Lord Vader?
Because calling him Master Vader made all the Stormtroopers giggle.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.
If you ever get locked out of your house, talk calmly to the lock.
We all know that communication is the key.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
Most couples have at least one odd bit of cutlery in their cutlery drawer that they presume belongs to their partner, which is why it’s fun to sneak odd bits of cutlery into your friends’ cutlery drawer when you visit.
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Well there goes my Wednesday night.
I’m going to stop doing any exercise that stimulates my muscles so I can finally be atrophy wife.
[7 peaking around kitchen looking at stuff]
Me: What’s the matter, what are you looking for?
7: Can you keep it down, you’re cooking too loud and I can’t hear the TV
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
I bet the first mohawk was created by a guy trying to even out his sideburns.
[family of snakes boards a plane and spot Samuel L. Jackson a few rows back]
Father snake: oh no not this again
Baby snake: *starts crying*