*falls dramatically on therapist’s sofa* the barista touched the mouth hole
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[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
My kid can’t eat his pasta because *checks notes* the bowl is too thick
How to be happier:
1. Exercise
2. Lift weight3. When you’ve become stronger due to those exercises, smack the person who made you unhappy.
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
“Why don’t you just tell her how you feel?”
“Well, alright.”“Girl, I feel with my nerves.”
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
[at work]
“Mornin, Margaret.”
“Mornin. You’re late today.”
[looks at watch]
“Not as late as your dead husband though, am I?”
[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.
before mcdonald’s i bet “don’t buy cheeseburgers from a clown” was a pretty hard and fast rule
Sorry kids I missed your childhood, I was busy trying to set a strong password
My Halloween costume this year is a red cape and a witches broom – I’m gonna be little red riding wood.
I want to put a ‘Honk If You Love Jesus’ bumpersticker on a goose
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
Thought I’d be trendy and try one of these ‘alternative milks’.
I don’t know what a magnesia is, but it made my Cocoa Puffs taste horrible…
My signature move is illegal in 37 states.
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
Me to me: I’m pretty garbage
Someone complimenting me: You’re so great
Me: You’re absolutely wrongSomeone insulting me: You suck
Me: Listen here you little shit I’m amazing
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
Cats playing poker makes more sense. Dog’s tails would be a tell.
Me: I don’t understand why no one takes me seriously.
Also me: *wearing Cheetos like walrus tusks*
Popeye teaches us that the best reason to eat healthy is revenge. #CartoonLifeLessons
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
I get it fish, my body is also beer battered
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
My toddler got me up at 4:30am because “Eeyore said it’s morning” Stupid donkey ruining my life
#ParentingFacts
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”