Finally goes to open-mic night. gets on stage. bombs so badly gets arrested for terrorism. #BucketListFails
You Might Also Like
[x-ray]
DOCTOR: wow
ME: what
DOCTOR: I don’t know, there’s a bunch of-
ME: *eating a handful of pennies* a bunch of what
I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
Friend: What’s that you’re reading?
Me: “How to Lose Weight By Eating Anything You Want”
Friend: Wow! If you don’t mind my asking, how much have you lost?
Me: $24.99.
INSURANCE REP: I’m afraid you’re going to need more coverage
ME: sorry I couldn’t find my pants this morning
Like my nana used to always say, “screen shots say more about the person sharing them than anything else”
Friends come and friends go.
Just make sure to hang on to the ones that think you are funny.
And the ones that bring beer.
It’s like we’re living in the Dark Ages.
*takes off sunglasses*
Oh.
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
I don’t need a home security system for my safety because as soon as someone breaks in and hears me moaning in the hallway from falling out of the bed, they’ll just turn around a leave.
Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
The only thing left for CNN to do is drop Wolf Blitzer in the Indian Ocean and see how long it takes to find him.
Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
Woke up this morning expecting a raging headache. My husband said, “Wanna know why your head doesn’t hurt so bad? Your last several gin and tonics I ordered for you were just water.”
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
A British person will be slightly insulted by someone, not say anything, nurture a lingering resentment, patiently bide their time, and eventually, in an unrelated conversation with the person years later, will remark, “that’s typical of you.” Usually across a dining table.
Is it still ‘breakfast’ if you have had midnight snacks in four equal intervals before you woke up formally?
The road to insanity is paved with failed login attempts.
I showed my students that I can say my ABCs backwards and a student shouted “SHE’S A WITCH!” and then I unzipped my jacket and revealed my Hocus Pocus shirt and they all screamed and the universe has never aligned like this for me
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
My five year old trying to charge me $1 to listen to her play the piano now that she’s “so good” thanks to the lessons I pay for is peak capitalism.
Watermelon: because I like to chew flavored water.
The groom watches his bride slowly raise the hem of her beautiful lace gown in preparation for the garter game revealing a giant pair of shiny red clown shoes and suddenly the line about “in circus and in health” made perfect sense.
I bought one of those bodybuilding spray tan machines so I look like mahogany furniture year round
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
can’t a woman breastfeed their 6yo without a celestial monk creeping on them?