Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
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Turns out we don’t yell “sweep the leg” during curling matches I know this now.
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
Me: But do I have to talk to him? Every day?? This seems excessive.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[1773]
“Your majesty, last night some angry colonists dumped our tea into the Boston Harbor”
*three English ladies faint*
WTF THIS MEANS WAR
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
Neat! according to this Walgreens blood pressure monitor, i should have died in 1998
Contact me if there’s an emergency. This includes if you’re planning on giving your pet a stupid name.
Rambo Rambow
new wife guy just dropped
My favorite part of my husband working from home is that our 6YO critiques all his conference calls.
“I think you should say ‘don’t get me wrong’ instead of ‘let me be clear’ next time daddy, it just sounds better.”
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
In case anyone needs to feel better about their parenting, my 9yo saw someone inside Build-a-Bear wearing a reindeer costume and said, “Look Mom, it’s a furry.”
God inventing the fox: How’s about a dog… but sexy?
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Tweriod: That time of the month when all my tweets are moody, retain water and are about chocolate and cheesecake
Marie Curie: (getting huge doses of radiation from her work with highly radioactive materials).
Marie Curie’s Husband: Maybe we should talk about the element in the room.
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
[lowering myself Mission Impossible style from the ceiling and hovering over your sleeping body]
Me, whispering: So, what did you mean by “oh.” in that text message?
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
10 signs that he’s just not that into you
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.
6.
7.
8.
9.
10. He is a cat.
I have a very particular set of skills, skills I acquired over a long career. Skills that – ugh hold on
*covers phone*
MOM I’M ON THE PHONE!
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
[me, taking a drug test at work] the company didn’t specify which drugs we had to take to prepare for this, so I took them all