[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
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Date – “I must admit, this is a really nice restaurant”
Me – 😎
…
Date – “why did you say sunglasses emoji?”
*wears a ballgown to son’s baseball game*
Narrator: Ursula needs to control her puns; she’s embarrassing her family.
Asking all my friends for advice until I find one stupid enough to agree with the dumb thing I already did.
Before you start your artisanal candle business ask yourself: does the world need one more lychee-scented soy candle? Or even one?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Two eggs, some bacon, and a piece of toast walk into a bar. The bartender says, hey! We don’t serve breakfast here. #Tellyourworstjoke
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
i woke up at 3:48 from a weird dream i wanted to rememember. tried to text myself sketchy details. accidentally sent them to a number one off from mine. help
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
When my boss asks me if I can “take a stab at this”, I always hope she’ll point to that coworker we all hate.
Mediocrites was not the greatest hero from Greek mythology, but nor was he the worst
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
I don’t know what this is or why this is but it is and what I want is for it to be elsewhere
-Me about my kid’s toys
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
TEACHER: do you know what estimate means
STUDENT: not exactly
TEACHER: yes you are right
STUDENT: about what
TEACHER: also correct
STUDENT: …i guess
TEACHER: wow you really know your stuff
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
The doorbell rang this morning, and it took a few seconds to realize what that sound was.
sometimes I feel sad and then sometimes I go get an apple pie and vanilla soft serve from McDonald’s and mush them together so I can be fat and sad
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
[goes to walmart]
[later]
Wife: Did you get all the groceries on the list?
Me: Even better than that…
[pulls out a four man tent, a DVD of Labyrinth and a bottle of squid ink]
All semester I got 60% on my tests while sober. Took my final exam drunk and got a 84% on it – University of Wisconsin Parkside
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[my future self comes back in time]
HIM: here’s every sports score for the next 20 years
ME: great, thanks for ruining the games for me
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle