Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
I wonder if tarantulas are nostalgic for the 70s, when excessive body hair was still cool?
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Therapist: What brings you here today?
Me: I’m a middle child.
Therapist: I see, classi..
Me: In between two sets of twins.
Therapist: *on intercom* Sheila clear my week.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
embarrassed bc i’m walking down the sidewalk and a rat is just like walking next to@me and it looks like we’re together
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
I’m sorry I said, “I bet she’s got a great personality,” when you showed me a picture of your baby.
If i had to guess, i would guess that the number one search word on Bing is Google.
What Bob, you’re interrupting.
My dad just found out abt the Simpson’s predicting shit and it was the longest phone convo of my life.
My kid begged me not to be “cringe” around her friends when they come over, and I don’t have the heart to tell her that I don’t even know how to not be “cringe” around MY friends.
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
The neighbor heard me talking to myself so I had to pretend to be on the phone.. again
My vacuum just died. Now everything sucks, except my vacuum.
How normal people flirt…”Hey Sexy*
How I flirt …If you were a tree you’d be a great tree
Cryptocurrency sounds like an entrance fee to a mausoleum.
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he’s going to be Taken 4: Granted
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Accidentally went grocery shopping on an empty stomach and now I’m the proud owner of aisle 6
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
*completely destroys wrapping paper by trying to swiftly glide the scissors to cut it*
My kids trying to pick up the name brand hamburger buns like they think we are millionaires or something
Best table by far
Wife: [holding old dog] I thought you took care of this yesterday
Stormtrooper husband: *looks out back to see gun marks all over the yard*