My doctor asked if anyone in my family suffers from mental illness. I said, ‘No we all seem to enjoy it.’
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Me: 🎶 Yesterday, all my troubles seemed so far away 🎶
Optometrist: “You need glasses.”
My husband is working from home and he’s still late.
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
Would you rather have ten thousand dollars or five dollars for every time you thought you were hilarious but no one laughed?
“you attract what you fear” ahhhhh a healthy relationship ahhhhh
People may question my parenting methods, but my kids have made it to 20 and 22 without becoming serial killers. Or, if they have, they’re super good at it. Either way.
channeling her this year
When I saw Oprah interview Michelle Obama, Oprah asked how Michelle got over feeling intimidated sitting at big tables filled with smart, powerful men and Michelle said, “You realize pretty quickly that a lot of them aren’t that smart.” I think about that quote every single day.
Stranger: You should really cover your face w/a mask, pal.
Me: Oh, because of the virus?
Stranger: Huh? Oh, uh, yeah. Sure.
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
When boxes arrive from Amazon I just tell my husband they’re Christmas presents for him and he doesn’t ask questions.
I should probably buy him something soon.
It’s like Santa didn’t even care that Rudolph had a coke problem?
[robbers outside bank]
When I said get some masks I meant something creepy like wolf masks
“But can’t u feel your pores really opening up?”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
God saw you put ketchup on your steak and He is NOT happy.
You’re how old?
*does quick math in head*
Ok! I’m not old enough to be your mom …lets do this!
-justifying a bad decision with math
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
Sorry to bang on about this but the lack of references to penguins in the Bible is undermining my faith
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
[i wake up confused]
KIDNAPPER: youll never guess where we are!
ME: [observing floor tile pattern] this is a Dennys bathroom
KIDNAPPER: shit
Someone called me fat and I’m like first of all, if I didn’t want my pizza getting cold, I would so fight you right now.
Guy in restaurant: Mam, are u ok? Are u choking?
Me: *wipes off drool & removes a cherry stem from my mouth that’s not tied in a knot*
Spent $500 on groceries today. Any minute now, one of my kids will list 10 things I forgot.
Annoy your wife by saying “wow” every time a chick gets out of the limo on The Bachelor.
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
When you go out with a couple on the brink of divorce.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]