Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
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I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
One time my dad caught me doing homework and made me eat an entire pack of calculators
Me on Masterchef: Ive made a roasted pork kebab breaded with buttermilk cornbread and served with a tomato reduction
Them: This is a corndog
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
Other Mom: We just got back from a trip to the Caribbean, so we are trying to get our life back to normal. You know how it is.
Me: Totally. We just got back from a trip to the grocery store.
Her: You need to stop playing video games.
Me: Why?
Her: You have kids, you need to act like a father & go outside & play with them!
Me:
My 1-year-old refused to wear her shoes and carried them around instead.
She can barely walk and she’s already the drunk girl at the party.
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.
Stop it! 😂
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Started trying to hand out tiny umbrellas to neighborhood squirrels to help them beat the heat. So far, it’s a much bigger challenge than I thought.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because my tires look like donuts?
Cop: Get out
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Husband who is bathing dogs in the bathtub asked if I wanted to join them & I wish I could say this is the weirdest offer I’ve had all day
Virgo: Expect romance on the horizon. Do not expect it to ever come closer to you than that.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
I bought my husband of 21 years a sweatshirt and I stole it from him and that’s how we keep our marriage fresh
Reminding Dad I’m too old for adoption really bums him out because that was one of his favorite threats when I was growing up
Just tried to watch a James Bond movie and wow, first thing that happens is he walks into frame and fires his gun at me, the viewer. I have never felt so disrespected in my entire life and expect better from a man wearing a tuxedo. One star.
invention of lasagna: what if pasta was a book
Old men’s pants creep higher & higher up their waist into their armpits.
At the end of their lives they’re just a pair of pants with a head.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
Didn’t realize how much motherhood had changed me until I army crawled in & out of my sleeping baby’s room to get my 1/2 cup of cold coffee.
How does the fire know to exit at those specific doors?
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
so weird how every mom was born today
I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches