It sucks when you & your pal show up at a party wearing the same shirt…and an hour in, his chest hair starts sticking to your back.
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I see: A clean house.
My kids see: A blank canvas.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
As we watched the sun set together my 3yo asked me what kind of pajamas the sun likes to wear to bed and that just might be the cutest question I’ve ever been asked.
Also the dumbest.
I’d rather lose the Super Bowl than have Gatorade poured on me.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
This woman on TikTok asked what centaurs do with their arms when they are galloping, and I can’t stop thinking about it.
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
mob boss: only you would bring a knife to a gun fight
me: for the cake
mob boss: what
me: Jimmy the Snitch said I’m gonna get what’s coming to me
mob boss: that’s not what I-
me: it’s my birthday
you don’t scare me. you’re not a can of biscuits i’m about to open.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Facebook’s great for when you wanna see a picture or a joke you saw on Twitter four years ago
Why don’t you sing about it?
– Walt Disney as a therapist
Remember before Twitter you would have to pickup the phone and call someone to tell them how much you love bacon ?
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
I just sneezed into my elbow and now I’m waiting for a preschool teacher to praise me
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
“Bluetooth or Insane?” is a fun game we all play when we see a lone person speaking out loud in public.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
*twirls fork through hair*
So, is it is really murder if you stab them when they stand between you and your cake?
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food
ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”
I expect 8 to defy me, but my wife telling him to “SWEEP THE LEG!” is uncalled for.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when you said hi.
[interview to be an undercover agent]
Chief: Janine, can you send in the next applicant
Janine: yes sir; next!
[the large potted plant in the corner of the room stands up]
Chief: Janine, can you send home the remaining applicants