My mom didn’t care what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern”
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Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
My dog is sleeping soundly now that I’ve removed myself from his king sized bed.
Me: Please bring me a screwdriver.
Him: Flat head, Phillips, or Vodka?
And that was when I knew he was the one.
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
Her: You have selective hearing. You never hear criticism and only hear things that make you look good.
Me: Thanks, you look good too.
Help me Obi Won Bacardi, I’m sobering up.
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
Dance like you haven’t fallen off that pole twice already.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
friend: don’t worry so much
me: omg why what will happen
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
“Thats an exercise in futility” OK great so Im exercising
‘It’s ok, I’m from the internet’, I whisper from under your bed as you call the police.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
If you actually call it junk drawer you’ll stop putting stuff in it and another drawer becomes official junk drawer
me: why do you think my parents don’t love me
therapist: they’re pretty clear about it in the group chat
me: the what
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I dont have a “college fund” bc my youngest will most likely get a scholarship and my oldest thinks all dogs are boys and all cats are girls
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.