the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
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If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
Do ducks and geese ever sit in a circle and play “ape ape human”?
ME: will you *opens box* marry me
HER: is that a single peel n eat shrimp
ME: idk is that a yes
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Wife: You guys never eat the food before it goes bad!
Also my wife: *buys 40lbs of grapes because they’re on sale*
It was midnight. I was alone and online with a lot of available credit. I saw an ad for boots. The perfect storm began. I bought shoes, a bra, 11 pounds of tomato sauce, a life-size elephant inflatable, and two used cars.
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
Eating in my 40s is confusing: I’m young enough that I still need to take care of my body, but old enough that I don’t want to risk having a salad as my last meal.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
7yr old: The sun’s rotation doesn’t change the seasons. I just watched Tinkerbell and the fairies make it happen.
Me: Honey, you know about science and fairies are just in our imaginations.
7: What about the Tooth Fairy?
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: Oh right. It’s totally the fairies.
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
I bought a treadmill because I ran out of closet space for my clothes.
My 5-year-old just asked if we could have Hotdog Bell for dinner.
There is no Hotdog Bell here.
I’m not sure if there’s a Hotdog Bell at all.
If you’re ever attacked by a bear play deaf, be like “I can’t even hear you bear”
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
Whatever your age, I think you should try to learn something new every day. Today I learned that 50 year old men shouldn’t run for trains. Discovering that ambulance beds are surprisingly comfortable was merely a bonus lesson.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
I love books.
How they smell, how they feel, the sound of the pages being ruffled.
Except when I’m moving to a new place.
Then I hate books.
I wish I was dumb as hell and illiterate every time I move.
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Say “excrement” instead of “excellent”. Nobody will notice because people really don’t listen for shit.
and this one
guys you should DM random girls shit like
“I heard the queen died and I got rly worried something happened to u, babe”
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture