Flat Earth is a conspiracy invented by Big Aluminum to sell more foil.
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Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Friends don’t let friends buy cinnamon scented decorative brooms.
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
I always thought people prefer eating chicken with their fingers, and yet, it appears I’m the only one in this elevator with a drumstick in each hand
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Her: *firing a stun gun at my head*
Me: *screaming* No! I said “I like brain TEASERS”
Every great and accomplished chef had to start somewhere.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Quarantine prank. Be careful what you wish for…😂🤣😭💀💀
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Welcome to your 50’s. It’s 11:40 pm, so this should be your 11th pee of the night.
If you ever get buried alive, use the extra time to think about what you did to put yourself in that situation so it doesn’t happen again.
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
A Brit watching their house fall off a cliff:
“That’s a bit of a blow”
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Mon: No gatherings > 500 people.
Tues: No gatherings > 50 people.
Wed: No gatherings > 10 people.
Thur: Stay 6 feet away from people.
Fri: Stay homeTomorrow: ok, the floor is lava
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
Waking up the guy next to me on the plane to tell him to tell the stewardess not to wake me when they come around with snacks
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
You know how your mom used to get mad and start counting? I think the Earth is at twwwoooo.
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
me: an artist’s work is never truly appreciated until after their death.
subway sandwich artist: please, sir, i have a family.