I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
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ME: I’m just like you I put my pants on one leg at a time
HR: but what if you did it before getting to the office
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Took the kids cherry picking yesterday. 2 refused to participate and spent the whole time playing in the dirt.
Today we’re at the children museum, so of course the only thing 2 wants to do is pick fake fruit off a fake tree.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
Tell a woman she has cute kids and she’s all proud.
Whisper it to her and she calls the cops.
Crested mynas, as many other birds, are born altricially, which means young are underdeveloped at the time of birth, therefore fed by parents. When they grow up, they have to learn that food doesn’t simply jump into their beaks [📽️: Rebecca Gelernter]
Me: *enters Manager’s office wearing a pheasant face mask*
Manager: *sighs* “You know full well what I meant when I said that you needed your game face on for the meeting today”
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
I was just casually stalking an ex-girlfriend on IG & accidentally liked a picture. please respect my privacy in this difficult time.
Kid threw a rainbow slushee at my windshield …. Thought I hit a unicorn
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
God: what are they doing down there?
Angel: they are making milk from almonds
God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from
A: they dont like that milk
God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*
“Do you believe in evolution?”
“No”
“Global warming?”
“No”
“Racial Equality?”
“No”
“Then what makes The West superior?
“Science! Logic!”
*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Interviewer: what did you bring to the table
Me: in my last job I brought a lot of enthusia-
Interviewer: no what did you just put on my desk
Me: u mean my toad
I’m old enough to be your uncle…your sexy uncle
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Elementary schools be like:
It’s Spirit Week!Monday is crazy hair day
Tues: paint your entire family blue
Wed: construct a Macy’s regulation sized float out of paper maché
Thurs: pledge 100k to the jogathon and earn a high five party
Friday is take your virus to school day
I broke into your house and slept under your bed all night to protect you from the perverts out there.
Waiting for the local donut park to open 🙂
Why do some people call it a “tuna-fish” sandwich? It’s not like anyone calls it a “chicken-bird” sandwich.
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
BILLY JOEL: Only the good die young.
CLIMATE CHANGE: Actually I’m not gonna be picky.
“Mommy, why does an old person’s skin look so see-through?”
Aw, honey, it’s just because they are getting ready to be a ghost. Sleep tight.
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.