Me: alright early to bed
Brain: nice
Me: need a good night sleep
Brain: rest is important
Me: don’t go saying shit to keep me awake all night
Brain: I won’t
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: …
Brain: …
Me: you still awake?
Brain: my guy if you’re awake I’m awake we been thru this
You Might Also Like
It’s bullshit that my dog is a licensed therapy dog and he can’t prescribe medication
I think we should have a suggestion box at work but there’s no way for me to bring it up.
HER: need I remind you that it’s your tur-
ME: [sipping wine from a large Pyrex measuring cup] it’s my turn to do the dishes, yes
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
I’m won’t try to steal your man but I might try to steal your sandwich
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Slipknot sacked their drummer a few months ago, and suddenly Kate Middleton is nowhere to be seen?
Surely not a coincidence, she must be locked in rehearsals frantically learning their tour set list and getting a horror mask fitted.
mother-in-law (on FB): I’m tired of everyone being so condesending
*wife tackles me before I can write “you spelled ‘condescending’ wrong”*
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
The camera adds 10 pounds. The front facing iPhone camera adds 437 pounds.
Me in HR: I wasn’t trying to be condescending… It’s just that the boss didn’t understand and I thought the puppets might make it clearer.
when the solution to your problem doesn’t exist on stack overflow:
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I am officially off the market😂😂😂😂😂
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Please do not look at me when I am sitting at the front of the top level of a double decker bus. I am pretending to drive the bus and it is a very important job.
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
Being single isn’t always bad. Look at Kraft cheese for example.
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
It’s taking my husband like way longer to leave me for a younger woman than movies and tv led me to believe it would and honestly I’m pretty annoyed
Whoever robbed the archery store, take a bow.
Welcome to Backhanded Compliment Club, it’s so nice to meet people who don’t care how they look
Immortality would suck. I don’t want to spend the next 800 years trying to explain Gangnam Style to my great-grandfather.
Live your life so that a group of nuns sings a whole song about trying to solve a problem like you
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
My husband and I are bonding over how much we hate our marriage therapist, so I think it’s working?
Captain Planet (1991) – a gang of illegal immigrant Eco-terrorists summon a demon to terrorise job creators