My 4-year-old asked what drunk means.
I said “Happy”
Now I have to go to a meeting at her preschool because she told everyone she’s drunk.
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just found out the danish word for jellyfish is literally water man and am cracking up at the idea that while other languages were naming them after medusa or whatever some danish dude was like “nah that’s a water guy”
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
If I had a time machine, I would go back to the day we first let my daughter watch SpongeBob SquarePants and just destroy our TV
I’m surviving this massive amount of “family time” by pretending they are mental patients and I’m their case manager.
Jesus: He who is without sin may cast the first stone
*guy with no legs throws rock*
Jesus: Seriously?
“You said ‘without shins,’ right?”
How dare you with another bird…😏😂🦜
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
Bad enough that literally no one showed up for my Super Bowl party today, but now I can’t even find the game on tv to watch.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
[text]
Me: Where are you?
Boy: home
Me: Let’s verify that. You have 3 minutes to send me a photo of the inside of our freezer.
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
*finds baby on doorstep*
Me: Should…should we keep it?
Wife: …Let’s sleep on it
Me: (wide-eyed) Christ Deborah that’d kill him
I like to take long walks away from stupid people
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
You can say “Holy shit” in the waiting room of any a plastic surgeon.
But I don’t suggest you point.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
“We will wed,” I threatened
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
three old people next to me at this coffee shop hanging out and catching up. one of them says “your daughter is doing well? has her ducks all in a row?” and the other says “welllll there’s a few geese in there” and all three of them laughed until they cried. gasping for air.
Motion to replace the Supreme Court with a Burrito Supreme
I bet Melania Trump really regrets buying a speech off Craigslist now.
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
While he was probing my mouth my dentist asked if I was doing anything nice this weekend and now he thinks I’m going to park a car far from a large bar in Armagh.
me: [raises hand]
my date: again, that’s not necessary
Not to brag but I walked by a group of guys today and heard one of them say “See? That’s why I’m gay.”
I get it, McFlurry machine. I don’t work when I’m at work either.
Just discovered that the self checkout area is not what you’d think.
[first date]
Her: You made a giant Pentagram out of fries and ketchup?
Me: Just get naked and step into the circle. Don’t make this weird.
Europe. Made in Germany.