[on a date]
me: *whispers to waiter as I slide a $5 across the table* I’m going to the restroom. Make sure he doesn’t touch my fries.
You Might Also Like
You have to PAY for a speeding ticket?! I thought it was a reward for beating other drivers..
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
My children wanted to play restaurant and are very upset because I told them my place does not allow kids
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
[Me and coworker going for the last piece of cake]
You’d better ask yourself if you can type with one hand, Nancy from Accounting.
me:
table: hi
me: *checks dosage*
i gave my 4-year-old bubble wrap from a package and he thanked me for his christmas present. now i can’t stop thinking of all the money i could have saved
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I hope they boil the right one.
I convinced my spouse we needed more “security” but mostly I wanted a video doorbell on our backdoor so I could watch live streams of our dogs all day.
*Tim Burton slams hands on table*
WTF DO U MEAN THERE ARE OTHER ACTORS BESIDES JOHNNY DEPP & MY WIFE
*turns to Depp*
HOW LONG HAVE U KNOWN
I got kicked off Wikipedia for adding “obviously” to the end of every article.
bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
“Ok, guys, before you start calling me a pervert, let me just say I found a great source of protein.” — The first guy who ever milked a cow.
Me: I’m sorry, this toilet isn’t flushing.
Home Depot employee: …
If Disney movies have taught me anything, it’s that the whole ENTIRE world speaks English. Including animals and inanimate objects.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
DON’T EVER CATCH UP ON YOUR LAUNDRY
YOUR KIDS WILL GET A STOMACH BUG AND BARF ON EVERYTHING
{big laundry wrestles the microphone away from me}
IT’S A TRAP!
HEY LET GO OF ME!
Capri Sun taught me how to stab with accuracy.
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
You don’t need Crossfit if you have to get to the mailbox and back whilst avoiding mosquitoes the size of chihuahuas.
My new coffee table book, “Accidental Screenshots,” is available for pre-order now.
[showering] *comes up with cure to every disease known to man
[toweling off] Ah towels are fluffy. Duhhh, what was that other thing again?
Things that are loud:
Jet engines
Dynamite
Opening a bag of Sun Chips at a funeral
Rock concerts
Hope to get one dose of Pfizer and one dose of Moderna and just let them fight it out in my body
Her: I don’t think I’ve ever read a recipe before that uses words like smear pulverize and glop.
Me in a huff: well you asked how I made it
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.