Sorry, can’t. The pears I bought 4 days ago have ripened and I literally have a 15 minute window in which to eat all six.
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Social media for large reptiles: Instagator
Bruce Willis calls the cops to report the pug that’s been chasing him. The line is silent except for soft panting. the operator barks
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
Me: why did Dexter from Dexter’s lab have a French accent?
Professor: I meant science questions
Me: my bad. Scientifically, why did Dexter have a French accent?
If you like bad boys, I’m quite bad at a lot of things.
*winks with both eyes*
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
i balance snacking with exercise by placing a bowl of chips on the roomba and following it around the house
are you a female guitar player with a breathy, annoying voice? congratulations Starbucks will play your music, no questions asked
If the old Superman cartoon had been made today, the first guy who thought the thing up in the sky was a bird would have doubled down on his mistake.
“Oh sure, the mainstream media will tell you that Superman isn’t a bird, but I’ve done my own research…”
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
4yo: *Tells 20 minute story*
Me: *Fully listens to the whole thing*
4yo: *Starts telling it again*
Me: *Dies*
No one in movies or TV shows ever properly freak out when they see someone eat sauce off a wooden spoon then put the spoon that they just licked back in the sauce.
Can’t stop laughing.. 😂
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
[Doctor’s Office]
Dr: I’m not going to candy-coat this….
Me: *misses bad results of test because I’m imagining a coat made of Skittles*
I have the credit card bills of a much wealthier man.
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Why didn’t I marry a hairdresser or a baker. I did not think this through.
Not many people knew that Albert Einstein had a brother that was an evil scientist that experimented with cadavers.
His name was Frank
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.