My front door has a reverse peephole so you can see me ignoring you
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If I have 5 apples and I give you 2 of them, just take the other 3 cause I’m going out for tacos
arnold schwarzenegger opening a flower shop saying things like “come with me if you want tulips” and “it’s not a petunia” and “your clovers. give them to me”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
Oh your boyfriend proposed? Well I just realized my new dress has pockets, so I think it’s obvious who’s having a better day.
I sure have purchased an inordinate amount of ringtones, for someone who keeps their phone on Silent.
Wrote “no thank you” on my jury duty summons and sent it back so I think I’m in the clear
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
worst things about halloween as an adult:
– things are even scarier than usual
– people knock on your door
– you have less candy afterwards
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
Narrator: We’ve replaced her mace with Axe body spray…let’s watch
[camera zooms in]
Woman: *SPRAYS purse snatcher in his face*
Him: AHHHHHHHHHHhhhey girl, whassup? *winks*
I left my Kindle on the train. This would have never happened if I was carrying 8 bookshelves full of books with me like in the old days.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
IF SATAN IS READING THIS PLEASE MAKE THE FINGERBOARD ON MY DESK DO 1 FLIP
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
So we’ve been saving this hour for four months and we’re going to squander it all in one night?
I tell ya, government spending is out of control.
i’ve purchased a pair of men’s shorts and i discovered that not only do they have incredible pockets sometimes there are other secret pockets inside the regular pockets and lord am i furious
broke secret sevrice guy turns his pocket inside out and strangles an assassin with it. opens wallet and unleashes a torrent of moths at him
Interviewer: describe yourself
Me: Me? Personally, I’m a personable person
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
i slept so well last night
guy about to invent wind chimes: lemme fix that
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
My sex face is the same as my first pee in three hours face.