Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
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COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
Feeling extremely smug after being the best at pulling over to let an ambulance pass
Rock bottom is bad, but it still beats scissor bottom.
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
Walked into WalMart and a small child pointed at me and said “what is that thing?”
I don’t know either, kid
Just spent a week building a time machine. That’s seven days of my life I’m going to get back.
5-year-old: *glares at me* My shoe doesn’t fit.
Me: You grew. How is that my fault?
5: You fed me.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Them: “It gave me all the feelings!”
Me: “Literally just name one.”
If I was in charge of SWAT I’d change the name to the “Special Weapons And Grenades” team just so police would have to radio in for SWAG
I’m not gullible enough to be lured into a cult but I am nosy enough
Doc: So, where does it hurt?
Pirate: In me chest, I think its me hearty.
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
I did it once by accident and now I have to say I love you to my daughter’s boyfriend every time he leaves
vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes
My girlfriend is pissed that I just matched with her on Tinder.
How high do the levels go?
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
Child: Mom! You can’t go that way, it’s a one way street!
Me: Oh sweetie, that’s just a suggestion.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
estão todos miauvindo?
In Heaven
Me: I can’t believe how much stuff the Bible got wrong
Gid: You idiots couldn’t even get my Giddamn name right