What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
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Wife: He’s always lying about his celebrity connections..
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: Just wait til Sonic The Hedgehog hears this bullshit.
Silicon valley: here’s an app that can show you what you’d look like as a manatee
Me: can I please have cell phone service in the elevator?
Silicon valley: no.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
me: man, this is great! I only wish I’d taken up deadlifting sooner
Funeral Home Director: please leave.
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
I decided to become a dad when I noticed how many kids never finish their nuggets.
The Count of Monte Cristo is my favourite book about French Sesame Street.
Autocorrect changed cute dimple to cute pimple and now he won’t reply to my messages.
People find me confusing because I sometimes use the wrong potatoes in my sentences.
i always wear this epi pen its rly special. my friend gave it to me literally as he was dying it seemed very important to him that i have it
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
Boy meets girl. Girl meets dragon. It’s complicated.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
It’s not “spicy, tender and mild.” I know this now
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
every 5 year old named Khaleesi is about to get a little brother named Zelenskyy
Kids are hard to predict; and living in 2021 with two young kids who sing along to “Who Let the Dogs Out” was not what I expected.
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
i want my tweets to have a faint hint of humor, like a joke la croix
You OK? You’ve barely touched your crocssant!?!
Adulthood is about being able to eat cookies for breakfast, but not doing it because you already ate all the cookies.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
My kids have enough energy to run 10,000 laps around the house but get tired walking around the block.
I call bullshit.