I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
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I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
What if a woman was Nunchucks?
– Inventor of Couples Figure Skating
BFF: You better be dying calling me at 2 AM.
Me: This is important! If Kim Possible marries Ron Stoppable and take his last name does that change her ability to do anything?
BFF: I hate you.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
Dance like no one is watching.
Sing like no one is listening. A
Eat salty food like your blood pressure cuff is broken.
I’ve discovered I can turn invisible, but it’s involuntary and only works on bartenders.
My 3yo was giving me a checkup and put the stethoscope on my stomach. She asked if I could hear the heartbeat, and I just got up and left. Heartbeat in my stomach? Smh ain’t nobody got time for that.
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
I wish I hadn’t bought so much Encyclopedia Britannica stock in 1999.
me: is there a doctor on this plane?????
doctor: i’m a doctor
me: my mom wants us to meet
Sometimes I’ll order things online & pay for handling but not shipping. I don’t want the product; I just want them to move it around a bit.
{notices you’re wearing silver earrings}
sorry your ears came in 2nd
[pulled over]
ME: Ok, don’t let him know you’re an alligator
COP: Sir, step out of the car & walk in a straight line
ME: [exhale] thank God…
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
This holiday season, make sure to confront your family about current issues like for example: how they choose to pronounce “pecans”.
#CoronaOutbreak
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.
Me: Was the island real or were they dead the whole time?
Sony tech support: We can’t answer that kind of TV question, sir.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
Humans are 60% water.
Water is 60% sharks.
Humans are 24% sharks.
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
The lost art of being “wishy washy.”
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
I forgot my therapist’s name so I just call him Dude
It’s a bit unnerving when “make chloroform” & “make friends” are the top suggestions as I type “how to” in the search engine…
Never leave for tomorrow what you can eat today.
Dog people always act like dogs are so much better than cats but as a cat person just wanna say that you never see cats working with the cops
During my prostate exam I asked the doctor, “where should I put my pants”? “Over there by mine”, was not the answer I was expecting.