WIFE: I love the oaky, earthen taste of this wine.
FRIEND: Mine is both crisp and full-bodied.
ME: [corks on my teeth] I am Count Corkula.
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Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶
There’s no one lazier than the guy who named the orange.
Never trust a man wearing more than 0 necklaces
If you look up the word “not a virgin” in the dictionary, it’s a picture of me wearing a sick leather jacket.
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I accidentally hit my sister over the head with a frying pan when we were kids. To this day, she doesn’t believe it was an accident. Also to this day, I think it was hilarious.
Tired of being hit by cars? Fed up with being scraped off the road? Sick of fighting off vultures after you’ve been pancaked?
Sidewalks™
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
Me: I swear you’ll be the death of me
Murderer: lol
you could tell me any fact about how dangerous animals are in australia and I’d believe you. they got vampire bees? of course they do. dogs don’t need a permit to carry a gun? I won’t even google it.
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
Pilot: There’s a loose…
Engineer: Tape.
P: And some rivets hav…
E: Tape.
P: Also signs of metal fatigu…
E: Tape.
P: And a panel is missi…
E: Tape.
P: Hydraulic failu…
E: Tape.
P: Th…
E: Tape.
P:
E: Tape.
[checks Facebook & sees my 4th grade girlfriend has liked my hot chocolate recipe share]
ME: I knew she’d come crawling back to me one day
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide
Fun prank: a chameleon exhibit with no chameleon.
Day 2 of home schooling:
One is taking a maths test in bed, two is taking his psychology lesson in the toilet and I can’t find the third.
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
“It’s not what it looks like,” I say to the bunny noticing my slippers.
Do mens sneezes get louder and louder as they age until they explode?
Really not a fan of the wind. Why is the air in such a hurry? You’re outside already, where else are you even trying to get to?
The next person to take my tweets seriously is getting $500
I yelled at my wife “Your skirt is way too short”
She replied, “That’s because it’s made for a woman. Now take it off & give it to me”
My pronouns are she/her and my adjectives are problematic/overwhelmed
What Abba never mentioned is that Dancing Queen is really a figurehead position. All the real power is in the hands of Dancing Parliament.