I laughed at Yoda for hiding in a swamp
Then again, he’s the only Jedi to ever die from old age
Maybe he knew what he was doing after all.
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Me: I’m not paying someone to do this job when I can do it myself.
Me, 30 minutes into job: I will pay someone all my money.
Women never find it devilishly charming when I follow them into the lady’s room. Thanks a lot, “Top Gun”.
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
My Sweet Lord implies the existence of My Salty Lord, My Sour Lord, my Bitter Lord and of course the more recently discovered My Umami Lord
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
dating is scary, what if I put myself out there and I fall in love with someone who’s family plays charades at holiday gatherings
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
My son was at his blacksmithing camp yesterday. He came home with a knife “forged in the dark of an eclipse.”
I am so proud.
Doctor: “Hey, how are you?”
Patient: “I am good”
Doctor: “Ok. Next.”
The most Seattle thing ever: I ran into a woman on my street using a mason jar with a light in it to look for her lost chicken
*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
This guy poured his box of raisinets directly into his bag of popcorn at the movie counter. After my initial shock I bowed to him.
I work out just enough so I can still chase the ice cream truck.
I’m simultaneously drinking Starbucks and a Monster, in case I need to do something extreme and be a snob about it, within the next 30 min.
He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
Twitter fine art
In retrospect, “Metallica” is a hilarious name for a metal band.
It’s like a Bob Dylan calling himself “Ol’ Folksy.”
Me: Was this product tested on animals?
Clerk: Yes.
Me: [outraged] I knew it!!!!
Clerk: Sir, that’s a dog leash.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
I’m proud of my age even if my birth certificate was carved in stone.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I can’t get enough of these Labor Day Sales, you guys! I bought 25 mattresses!