I’m not saying I’m a rebel, I’m just saying I wanna park here to see what the fuss is about.
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my lawyer wants me to turn myself into the police but I keep telling him impersonating a cop is what got me into trouble in the first place
*2 Knights on a Quest*
Elgon: Let’s rest here. Does the map say where we are?
Gawain: The map says “Here be Dragons”.
Elgon: Ha! They always say that!
Gawain: *getting off horse* Why do they say that?
Elgon:
Gawain: Elgon?
Dragon: Oh, was that your friend? *burp*
What do you mean your “water broke”? Did the H2 fall off the O?
A spinal surgery practice called Build Back Better.
Me: This edible isn’t working.
Me 20 min. later: Lifts the toilet seat expecting it will turn on the bathroom light.
If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
Screw it. SCREW EVERYTHING.
– me, 5 minutes after learning how to use a power drill
Day 70 without sex my doctor asked me “are you sexually active” I said why whachu tryna do.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
me: [taking dog on 4th walk of the day because I’m so bored]
dog: bro please get a hobby I’m begging u
Husband: Can these gel packs go in the microwave?
Me: Absolutely.
*gel pack explodes*
Me: Why would you listen to me? I can’t put my pants on without falling over.
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
*buys a new treat for my dog*
*dog refuses to eat*
Me: *gives it a bite* mmm it’s delicious, try one
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
It finally happened. A real human asked me to write an obit that stated “he died doing what he loved” and it took everything in me to keep my shit together about that.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
Bear tip: If a bear is mauling you to death, challenge it to a maths quiz instead
(mauling people to death is against the rules in quizzes)
my ex: sometimes I forget why we ever broke up
me: when you do that sigh thing I can hear your nose hair
Why is this me 😫
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT PERSON THINKS I LOOK LIKE I’M IN MY LATE THIRTIES
Also me: is 40
My mother-in-law doesn’t get migraines. She gives them.
There once was a man on zoom
Whose stomach had started to fume
He really had to toot
Forgot to hit mute
A problem when your living room is also the conference room
People obviously have widely different levels of intelligence. There are complicated spy movies that you’re supposed to understand every nuance of without much explanation, but then you pick up an aspirin bottle and the directions say, “Do not put in ear.”