HOW DARE YOU
You Might Also Like
Cooks you a gourmet meal almost every night.
#YeaThatsMeInARelationship
Read a magazine at the doctor’s office so I’m all caught up on Clinton running for president. I don’t think Bush can beat him.
[aquarium]
*penguin strapped on my back*
Ma’am, is that a penguin on your back?
No, it’s just a backpack.
Oh, WHAT’S IN IT?!
um, fish
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
Polar Bear: AHHHHHHHH.
God: please stop screaming.
Polar Bear: but I’m a ghost bear!
God: you aren’t a ghost bear.
Polar Bear: are you sure?
God: that’s just how you look.
Polar Bear: oh. ok.
[Swan flies by]
God: AHHHHH GHOST DUCK!
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Some days, I wish I had a button to restore myself to my original factory settings
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”
Cooking hack: Fake your own death. Someone else will cook.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
My kid went on her first shopping trip with friends and her own money but didn’t even buy the sticker she wanted because “you wouldn’t believe how much things cost” so looks like 11 is when sticker shock first gets you.
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s that everything can be done naked.
Walgreens guy: You still need to leave
I know I’m not alone but my biggest pet peeve is when one of the residents in my home yells from the kitchen to no one in particular (me), “ARE THE DISHES IN THE DISHWASHER CLEAN OR DIRTY?”
Guys! Everybody needs to stop Kung Fu fighting. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
I just bought a beautiful 18th century bowl.
It even has a little sign on the bottom that says dishwasher safe.
Me:Yes sir, I’d like to try that bracelet on
[points at display case]
Clerk: Ma’am, those are donuts
Me: …..
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
SIGN: Do not reach hands into enclosure.
ME: *slowly starts sliding big toe towards panda*
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Daycare sent me a pic of my 4yr old daughter holding hands with a boy..
with interlocked fingers..INTERLOCKED FINGERS?
send bail money!
My new dishwasher takes over two hours to run a full cycle and I don’t know what garbage this is because even my kid can wash dishes faster than that.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
My daughter told me I look like I’m in my 20s so I gave her 2 brownies for breakfast.