I’m so excited that the gyms are opening up on Monday. No, not to go workout, silly. To cancel my membership.
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Me: So, where are you from?
Her: I’m from Canada.
Me: Wow, your English is great!
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
Just finished my taxes and it looks like I’ll be able to afford that vacation to the Outback…steakhouse that is.
Me: I just watched Airplane and need to ask you something
Brother: What is it?
Me: It’s a comedy movie from 1980, but that’s not important right now
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
Cop *arresting a mime artist*: You have the right to remain silent.
*Sheds a tear, knowing that nothing else in his career will ever top this moment*
Me: Can I get the leftovers to go?
Waiter: You can only take your own food
Kurt Cobain: come as you are, as you were, as I want you to be
Me: in a duck costume
Kurt Cobain: not like that
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
Kissing someone mid sentence is only cute in movies. I will press my hand against your face and slowly push it way until I’m done talking.
Me: This relationship feels very transactional.
Cashier: You gonna buy the gum or what??
*drinking my first beer with my dad*
“I can’t believe you made me eat the other ones”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
Asking me for advice is like asking broccoli to fix your bicycle.
Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.
When a grammar Nazi gets sad give them a hug and say “There, their, they’re.”
Every time I burp I feel like my stomach is like, “Hey! Remember when we ate that?”
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
DAUGHTER, AGE 6: My legs are running away from the ghosts of my feet!
ME: Ha ha, you’re so silly
[later]
ME: *waking her up at 2am* Sweetie, Daddy has several questions
I called it a “housewarming party”. The District Attorney called it “aggravated arson”. Semantics.
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
Will I be able to follow Children of the Corn if I didn’t see the prequels, Babies of the Corn and Toddlers of the Corn?
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
Me: I’m really worried about becoming a first time dad, I’m just so forgetful.
10yo daughter: You don’t need to tell me.
Hiring manager: what would you say are your greatest weaknesses?
Me: probably men with hairy knuckles. Oh, and a moist pot roast.
Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.