I wrote a paper on how plants are evil.
It’s my Photo-Sin-Thesis
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If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
Sometimes when I’m drunk, I put on a trench coat, lurk around the shadows and pretend I’m the host from Unsolved Mysteries
*hears Christmas carolers*
Alexa, turn the sprinklers on.
Me, 7yrs ago: NO EATING in my new car. I mean spotless
Me, Now: u hungry car? *mashes donut into CD player*
There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
My daughter just put Nutella on Toast, which doesn’t sound like a big deal but Toast is the name of her cat.
(Putting groceries away, my 7yr old starts shaking the root beer I’d bought with all her might)
Me: STOP! What are you doing?
7: Someone told me if you don’t shake it, it’ll explode when you open it.
Me: Honey, either you misunderstood or that person doesn’t like you very much.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
If you add ‘ish’ on the end of the time, you’re not really late.
23 year old me
*camps out for two days for tickets to Nirvana
48 year old me
*Wouldn’t walk across the street to see The Beatles
just once i’d like my dog to give me a treat
How pale and flabby do I have to be before I am legally a jellyfish?
accidentally juuled in front of my mom but she only saw the smoke and goes “what was that” so i immediately said ”oh my god you saw that too?” and now i have to spend the rest of my life pretending my house is haunted
my mother has a medical podcast where she self diagnoses her ailments it’s called my voicemail and it happens every morning at 9 am.
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
Same pineapple, same
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
Anyone who expects to feel safe in a driverless car has never owned a printer.
I am less the girl you take home to meet your mother and more the girl you take to meet your psychiatrist.
My son fell asleep early, so I’m going to live like I did before having kids!
*cooks on front burner of the stove*
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity
*decides towels smell like mildew
*buys special laundry agent to remove odors
*washes load of towels
*forgets load in washer until morning
*repeat
127 HOURS but me trying to get my hand out of the Pringles can
*spends 30 minutes trying to unzip my pants to have sex for the first time*
*girlfriend sighs*
“Just take off the mittens”
MY HANDS ARE COLD
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
[Everyday]
Me: The kids have been fighting for the last 10 minutes. You know what that means?
Hubs: what?
Me: that they have only been home for 10 minutes.
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit