I can’t believe someone ran over my neighbours loud motorcycle tomorrow morning.
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My husband told me I was beautiful for the first time tonight
Sure, he was drunk and using a Scooby Doo voice but I’ll take it
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
Samurai v. Cat ..who will win…🐈🐈
#TuesdayMotivaton
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
You text him, he doesn’t text you back. Obviously he was so excited that you texted that he fainted.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
*He-Man at table read*
“By the power of Greyskull, I have the- hang on-
*pointing to script*
should it say ‘power’ again here?”
a potato meteor that cooks itself as it hurdles toward the earth and lands on your plate hot and ready
interviewer: describe yourself in 5 words
me: mathematically challenged
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
At my age, a “stiffy” is just my back when I try to crawl out of bed in the morning.
Co-worker: *spots me in line for Toy Story* wait, you have friends?
Me: *clutching two extra large popcorn for myself* yes and I’m about to see them all
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
Have kids, they said
if you push your belly button and nose at the same time your brain takes a screenshot
If your messages appear as “seen”, but there’s no reply, don’t worry. He probably fainted from all the excitement.
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
Two wolves? Cute. I’ve got 8 pieces of pizza in me
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Haha I love my wife. I just told her to calm down and now she’s in the backyard digging a 6 feet long hole to calm herself down. What a woman!
One time I saw this guy on his knees in a bar begging his girlfriend for forgiveness. No idea what he’d done. Anyway, I shouted “OMG, HE’S PROPOSING” and everything went quiet as we all awaited her response. Really awkward
My kid didn’t like how his stuffed animal was behaving, so he renamed him Not-Listening-Ostrich, and I’m just over here wondering how to update some birth certificates
Sportscenter, episode 542783747363467367984768474756431063389425993399064375493638386747899532689432462567953467347: Men talking animatedly.