me: *smoking a pipe* I remember when all this was fields
farmer: wtf have you done?!
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I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Really, IKEA? No free WiFi? Or do I have to buy one and assemble it?
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Had to change my work password twice today and I’m rapidly running out of Brendan Fraser movies.
My neighbor hates it when I figure out his wifi password but it’s his fault for writing it down and putting it on his fridge.
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Fun fact: The confetti you’ll see in Times Square tonight was made from one CVS receipt.
Funniest joke I heard today: The reason Zimbabwe isn’t ready for its own currency is they don’t have a dead president to put on the money 😂
Awakening a volcano by throwing a rock
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
*takes coffee from hot barista
*makes eye contact
*smiles
*winks
*sips scalding coffee“Thankth, thexy! Theeya!”
*walks outside
*screams
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
“Welcome… To Jurassic Park.” “But some of these dinosaurs are from the Cretaceous Period–” “WE ALREADY MADE THE SIGNS”
I really like your LED headlights can I look at them with my hammer
Wearing Juicy couture sweatpants takes on entirely different meaning when you have IBS.
My daughter has a terrible mouth and I don’t know where the f*** she’s learning this sh**.
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
A foreign kid asked me how to speak English the other day, so I teached him some.
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
As someone who got the J&J shot last week, so far my only side effect has been the ability to control geese with my mind
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie