OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
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Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!
Do you have any candy? NEXT!~Me. Speed dating.
I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
me: our son was just arrested for a violent crime
wife: omg battery?
me: about 90% but focus
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
I may make a lot of typos when I text, but in my defense, I do have to look at the road sometimes.
[God making sausages]
Angel: What’s next?
God: Take these extra parts, grind them up and stuff them in a casing
*1 angel faints, 2 vomit*
Brain: What day of the week did the 1st calendar day ever fall on? Do the math!
Me: Seriously?! It’s 2AM and I’m leading a meeting tomorrow
Come and get your love.
I don’t deliver. Take out only.
I like when players of opposite teams hug after the game as if to say, “We’re all so very, very rich.”
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
The enemy of my frenemy is my frenenemy
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
All these gifts today better get me laid.
Wife (in a narrator’s voice): …but, then she overheard him talking…and he never did get laid.
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Honey, you know the part in The 6th Sense when she drops his wedding ring & you realize he’s been dead the whole time? Well I want a divorce
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
Cliff diving? No thanks. I get all of my near death thrills by rolling my eyes when my wife asks me to move my feet while she vacuums.
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
[pouring another round of shots for my dolls]
What do you mean isolated and unstable?
Cops call their dogs K-9 because if they call K-10,
then it’s a cat.
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
“Speed” remake with Scarlett Johansson as the bus
I guess the Tupperware lids in my house just graduate and go off to college or something.
my ball rolled under the couch. and i cannot reach it. the human has been informed of the issue. and reminded. that my problems. are their problems
I wish I had the confidence of a person who marks themselves as “safe” on Facebook.