Just saw a guy wearing a hat that says “Don’t Bother Me,” so I asked him where he got it & how much it cost & whether or not it works.
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Her: Why did you text me “High Fructose Corn Syrup?”
Me: I think you’re sweet…
Her: …Awwww…
Me: …and will eventually kill me.
“We should get a bell so that when we need you we can just ring it” – my child, hiring me as his servant
I’m not in my prime, I’m in my amazon prime. You’ll get what you want from me about 2 days after you ask for it.
The key to a successful marriage is letting things go. I’ve started with myself.
Apparently there’s enough room in my mouth to put more than one foot.
Bought some expensive neck cream.
Directions say to apply it twice daily.
If I slather it on every hour, I’ll have the neck of a teen.
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Date: “so, tell me a bit about yourself”
Me: “NICE TRY, FEDS”
The world is full of people who just need to hug a cactus.
Speed 3: Waitress has to keep talking about the day’s specials or the entire restaurant explodes.
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
I only see psychics so that I can keep arguing with dead relatives.
More light at the end of the tunnel,
Less on-coming train.
Me: I need to start buying gifts for people; Christmas is coming up.
Also me: *buying myself a Burr Coffee Grinder* I’m technically people, so….
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
If the chef tells me he made this with blood, sweat, and tears I’m calling the health department
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
If you haven’t been to the Grand Canyon, I highly recommend it. It’s just gorges
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
[at auto shop]
MECHANIC: can I help you?
ME: my car won’t start
MECHANIC: umm, that’s a horse
ME: because my car won’t start, are you even listening?
[writing last will and testament] and to Oliver i leave my “Why I Taught Bears To Use Swords” memoir
BEAR: [from outside] FIGHT ME U COWARD
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
I’ve been watching far to many episodes of Extreme Homes. I want one made of containers, w/solar panels,heated floors, recessed lighting, indoor pool w waterfall/swim up bar, and windows to the ocean & garden on my roof. Floating.
i love when they put tiny pieces of plastic grass in my grocery store sushi to simulate its natural habitat before i eat it
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
when i die i wanna come back as a gerbil because they’re so cuddly and are notoriously vindictive, grudge-holding creatures
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
Don’t pretend like your cat wouldn’t 100% microwave fish if they had half a chance.