I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
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[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
I’m only seeing the new Jurassic Park if the dinosaurs aren’t a metaphor for anything. Don’t want to look at a stegosaurus and have to think about neoliberalism or the modern surveillance state
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
They say rubbing coffee grounds all over your naked body can help prevent cellulite. What they didn’t say was not to do it in the aisle of the grocery store …..
….. anyways, gotta run – the cops just showed up
The only running I do is to the microwave to catch the beep before the dog hears it go off
My level of hotness..
I learned to dance from watching the bears in the Charmin commercials.
I love Yahoo Answers because no matter how bizarre my question, someone in the world has already thought of it. And thats really comforting.
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
When does CPR become necrophilia?
The last Saturday in April is Save the Frogs Day which reminds me of a story…
One time at a restaurant I asked the waiter: Do you have frog legs?
Waiter: No? I always walk this way!
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Netflix would be by far the best dating site. “Here are 9 other singles in your area who have also watched Pokemon for 12 straight hrs”
Ok… so wireless bra’s don’t have any internet connectivity, we all make mistakes, can we just move on now.
The best things in life are free. Unless it’s herpes. Stay away from people who want to give you free herpes.
Avril Lavigne is the lead singer of Maroon 5 right
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
some days i’m on top of this parenting game. other days I buy 2 bags of donuts and throw them and the kids outside.
I have precisely ZERO idea what people are doing when they inspect inside their egg boxes at the supermarket. But for 20 odd years I’ve dutifully opened the box, nodded appreciatively, and then put my eggs in the trolley without the faintest idea what the hell I’m doing or why.
I love my wife dearly, but she just used the word “whatevs” for the first time, so 17 years. It’s been a good run.
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Have kids so there’s always someone around to hand you trash
PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
Jack Ryan, Jack Reacher…
Maybe it’s time we gave someone named Jerry a chance to solve a murder
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”