[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
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[picks up scalp massager]
Me: what’s this thing called
Store Clerk: that’s a head scratcher
Me: well take a guess my man
My 7yo son is running away because I made him write a few sentences. I guess I shouldn’t expect any letters from the road.
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
It’s Election Eve, Not Election and Steve!
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Are @bt_uk responsible for the crime and violence in our society? @funTweeters @TheComedyHumor @OurNameIsFun
Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
When teenagers behave well in the cinema: I believe the children are our future, teach them well and let them lead the way
When teenagers talk through the whole film: Why Won’t The Woke Left Let Us Smack Other People’s Children? – Me for The Telegraph
*drunkenly sliding down telephone pole wearing oven mitts*
Cop: Sir? May I ask you what you’re doing?
I’m a sexy fireman, rawr.
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
I’ve been in Hawaii for a week & have learned that 99% of life’s problems can be solved by throwing a coconut at it
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
[checking bag at the airport]: yes, that is indeed a bag
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Once Bezos is in space we are going to have just 11 minutes to change the locks on the entire planet. It’s going to be tight; we can do it.
How inappropriate is it to ask a stranger to scratch your back? Need to know ten minutes ago.
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
me: Can you swing by Taco Bell?
guy driving the ambulance:
Every morning on my way to work, I slip on the frozen newspaper on our front porch.
I’ve fallen on some hard Times.
My “Not involved in human trafficking” T-shirt has people asking a lot of questions already answered by my shirt.
“Umm, what are you doing? Can you not? Seriously, get off me!”
– The first horse ever ridden (probably)
5 [falls down playing in creek]: ow my leg! Dad I need a Band-Aid!
Me: You’re not bleeding, Band-Aids are for when we bleed
5: I neeeeeeed one!
Me [sighing and preparing for placating, goes to put Band-Aid on leg]
5: not there! On my arm!
Date: so what do you do
Me: i build dog houses
Date: oh you’re an “arf”itect lol
Me: haha good one
Date:
Me: (under breath) it’s “bark”itect
I’ve wrecked my car yet I still weigh the same. This crash diet is for the birds.