I get it, artificial Christmas tree. I also can’t fit in my pre-Christmas box.
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Mobile app developers: great, now all we need is something for them to do in between the adverts.
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
If bedbugs live in your bed then what the hell are cockroaches
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”
My Onlyfans is just me drawing venn diagrams and giggling
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
“Hey buddy, you wanna buy a harmonica?” I opened my coat and got hit by a gust of wind, making the worst sound in the world
If you’re blowing a horn at me, you’d better be in a band.
Indoor weekend with a toddler whose sleep schedule is backsliding.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
He drinks a whiskey drink, he drops the vodka drink, he spills a lager drink, he’s at the roller rink
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
If I was a girl my best friend would have to come untangle me at least twice a week because I tried to take my bra off through my sleeve
Every relationship needs boundaries…
….mine are set at 500 feet according to the paperwork.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
for lent one year, i decided to give up coffee, so i switched to sugar-free rockstar energy drinks instead and that’s when i realized that maybe religion wasn’t the right thing for me.
I wasn’t dropped as a baby, but I’ve been making up for it ever since.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
I just had my first pole dancing class. Anyone know how to show this new skill without coming across as a complete whore? No?
Whore it is.
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
[During sex]
Me: I know you want me to be “naughty”, but I can barely breathe in this Hamburglar costume.
If I’ve learned anything from movies, it’s that if you’re packing for an important mission, you should definitely pull your knife out of its sheath and then put it back in to make sure it’s still there.