Can’t figure out if the neighbour’s baby is fussy or they bought a goat.
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I always fear that oneday I will enter my house and find a thief, knocked out unconscious by the things fallen on his head from some closet
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
[me yelling to the cameraman from cops as I get taken away] edit the part out where I tried to do a flip
Her “I think my homeopath is poisoning me.”
Him “How can you tell?”
Her “I got my water tested and there was no trace of poison in it.”
*me dressed as the grim reaper*
What d’ye mean I’m not your type?
My kid: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some challah?
Kid: Yes! Make sure I get some of the golden part on top.
My brain: Don’t say it…
Me: The crust?
Kid: What?? That’s crust?? I don’t want that.*repeat daily in various scenarios*
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
[Ventriloquist Mafia]
“Oh we have ways of making people talk.”
I only like surprises when I am not in a public toilet.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
DOCTOR [hitting me with his car] This is for not eating that apple
The host of the UK Apprentice sounds like the villain a toothpaste company’s marketing department came up with
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
my favouritest X’s, ranked:
9. _traterrestrial
8. _marks the spot
7. _ray specs
6. _chromosome
5. generation_
4. _tasy
3. _tra large portion of fries
2. _rated
1. _wife
“Hi-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Do y-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“Excuse m-”
“I have a boyfriend.”
“I JUST WANNA KNOW WHERE THE BATHROOM IS.”
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
It’s hard to walk away seductively in flip-flops.
After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
I knew my wife was having a bad day when she put her tampon behind her ear and couldn’t find her cigarette.
My 3 year old is singing the rare 19 hour version of “Let It Go”, using only 3 words.
My 5yo and 6yo are playing restaurant. My 6yo’s restaurant has a no baby policy. My 5yo has 5 babies and is very angry about this. She’s causing a whole scene at the restaurant. The babies are crying, it’s crazy. I’m trying my best not to get involved in this.
The doctor removes the stethoscope from your chest. He seems flustered. “Well, it still sounds like moaning and the rattle of chains in a deep stone hole.”
He hands you a small wooden chest filled with rusty old keys. “Just keep swallowing these until one works.”
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
People just talk about spiders but how many paper towels do you think you eat every year