My husband and I talked about getting a divorce, but neither one of us wants the kids.
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*pours 2 glasses of wine*
*gives one to wife*
*gives other one to wife*
Welcome
*brings donuts to work*
Co-worker: I have a gluten allergy, so I have to watch what I eat.
Me: Cool, then you can WATCH me eat this donut.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
what I’m actually doing when I don’t pick up any calls
Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
boss: you’ve been late 3 times this week, u know what that means
me: it must be Wednesday
Since we don’t get one single trick or treater in my neighborhood, I’ll just get 5 large bags of candy.
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
FYI – when your pilot says “we’ll be on the ground shortly” fellow travelers don’t appreciate it when you loudly add “one way or another.”
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
So I guess pigeons are actually wealthy: “Racing pigeon sells for record $1.9 million after frantic bidding war.”
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
guard 1: choose your path wisely. one of us always lies and one of us alwa-
guard 2: AAAAAAHHH
guard 1: always screams
me: doesn’t that get annoying?
guard 1: *heavy sigh* no it’s actually super awesome
I don’t understand why the pediatrician runs hearing tests, all you have to do is open a tub of ice cream 2 floors away in the middle of the night and you can tell if your kid can hear
Texts from mom:
Thanks to the supreme court, now it’s not just women who won’t marry you.
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Thanks, meeting venue that turns off the AC in the restrooms–I love emerging from taking a dump looking like I just ran a marathon!
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Asked my 11 y/o daughter if she was excited to be a teenager now that her older sister is 13 and she said, “No, I’m good. Teenagers always look like they want to murder someone.”
customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
1st Guy: So it’s agreed we’ll call it “4 Guys Burgers and Fries” .
2nd Guy: I think we should call it “Four Guys” instead of “4 Guys”.
3rd Guy: I agree.
4th Guy: I actually prefer “4 Guys”.
1st Guy: I think we’re going to need a fifth guy.