My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
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If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
What the hell happened here.
From the other room:
DO YOU EVEN UNDERSTAND WHAT MISCOMMUNICATION IS?Me: *nods*
A woman just called me ugly and the only thing I could think to say back was “only on the inside”.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
When people are kissing in public, it’s weird how angry they get when you try and join in.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
I was having a good day until my imaginary friend stole my coloring book & crayons & he demands $100 for their return.
What a stressful day!
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
I don’t have Covid, but when my doctor did the test, she asked, “do you want to do this the hard way or the easy way?” Who would choose the hard way?!
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
The monster under my bed sleeps with one leg out from under the blankets too.
I still have a toilet paper stash leftover from Y2K.
Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
Me: “I can’t turn on the shower”
Plumber: “It’s seen you naked so often the excitement’s gone. Try dressing up”
*Hands over shower cap*
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
when i say i like when older men tell me what to do i am talking about yoda and his teachings
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
[on my way back to the posting caves]
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
My Ex told me once that more people would like me if I buttered them up, but in real people ran away when I step towards them with a butter knife.
Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one
Why do Swedish warships have bar codes on the sides?
So that when they return to port, they can Scandinavian.
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
In the rookiest of moves, at 4:30PM on Christmas Eve, my husband asked what our 5yo what he is most excited to get from Santa tomorrow