if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
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My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
You call it armed robbery, I call it people giving me gifts to celebrate my new gun!
Translator: We changed the Bible verses forbidding happy marriage to say gay marriage.
King James: Same thing, what could possibly go wrong?
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
[on phone]
me: honey I won some free tickets
wife: cool, for what?
me: speeding and resisting arrest
wife: never heard of them
the only difference between a hoarder and a collector is the smell
Mufasa: you have forgotten who you are, what is wrong with you?
Simba: you could have appeared any time to tell everyone you were murdered? wtf is wrong with YOU?
Mufasa: this isn’t about me, now go
f i g h t m y b r o t h e r *evaporates*
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
Why do birds
Suddenly appear
Every time
You are near?
Just like me
You’re secretly
Made of bread
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Wash your hands like you got a club stamp you don’t want Mom to see
[interview]
Boss: Your CV says eggs, milk, bread
Me: That’s right
[cut to supermarket]
Wife: Excuse me, where are the attention to details?
WIFE: we’re so close we finish each other’s sentences
ME: .
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
Friend: What time is it?
Me: November.
Doctor: How did you get all those bruises?
Me: Rough sex
Doctor: That looks unhealthy and should stop
Me: Talk to your nurse about that
I appreciate your confidence in me, but it appears your “foolproof” chicken recipe is merely “fool resistant.”
Found a potato way under my kid’s bed and I’m not even surprised, just relieved it’s not that old of a potato
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
you would think “cyber-art heist” would be something awesome. it never is. imagine having a fortune in art stolen and when people ask what happened you have to be like “i updated my printer and within seconds a million in monkey jpegs was gone”
When I was 19 I worked at Staples. They showed us an anti-union video during training. That was the day I realized it’s okay to steal from work
*deep fries turkey
*deep fries deck
*deep fries backyard
*deep fries house
*deep fries neighborhood
*deep fries los angeles
Friend: you’re so lucky you don’t have a job
Me, a stay-at-home mom, now with one less friend: so lucky
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
robber: gimme your money
me: don’t hurt me i take care of my declining parents
my dad: [from inside the car] don’t believe his lies
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that